14/02/19

Self Destruction in 5 seconds

There’s a beautiful moment in Mission Impossible 2 where Ethan Hunt played by Tom Cruise (who has just free climbed up a sheer rockface about 10 miles vertically only to be picked up by a helicopter, which frankly is fucking genius timing) where he is lamenting the fact that he is on holiday and he will get in touch with Anthony Hopkins (presumably Cruise is wary of the fact he may get eaten.) The usual preamble ensues and Hopkins comes out with the most memorable line of the film “this isn’t Mission Difficult Mr Hunt, it’s Mission Impossible. Difficult should be a walk in the park for you Mr Hunt.” Cruise legs it, before Cordell turns up with the pigs and Hopkins can have Medulaa Oblongata and chips for dinner…

What relevance is this to me I hear you ask, one of things that has always grabbed me about the Mission Impossible series, which Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg have almost managed to turn in to a deplorable set piece of ridiculousness is the tape which self destructed after 5 seconds. It always amazed me, that where ever Jim Phellps, Ethan Hunt etc where they always got away with a plume of smoke rising up, the modern day spy would be mortified, particularly in the pubs and clubs of the UK as people look at the smoke with a judgement, “probably vapers” people would be heard saying. But apparently the ability to self destruct is a lot more common than I thought it actually was. I’ve learnt a new phrase today….”disregulated behaviour” and it basically references the ability to spectacularly fuck your own life up. But there is a few interesting points it raises:

1. Who the fuck would try and sabotage their own life. What sort of mentalist…
2. Self-destruction comes under the banner of disregulated behaviour and is way more common than you might expect; seemingly bridging the gap for people who may have experienced a similar childhood to that of Anne Frank. It’s a way of dealing with emotions which you can’t process and so blowing your life up is your way of admitting a common fear such as “how does that person love me when I don’t even love myself” self-destructing rather than dealing with the stress or the fears or emotions
3. Alcohol is a soothing for the aches of your soul and not having to deal with those feelings and is also disregulated behaviour.

Apparently the only cure is to take a dose of Ballerathon from the MI 2 film and remember that whatever happens Tom Cruise is a Scientologist and so is more fucked up than anyone…but in all seriousness the mission that I am on is simple, just don’t drink. Or is it, because along the way I have allowed something to get in to my psychology like a pernicious cancer eating away at my confidence and I genuinely think that the final thing that pushed my anxiety all the way to destruction was leaving full time employment on 7th January. Was it the right thing, yes absolutely it was like working with Malcolm Tucker from the Thick of It (my favourite Tuckerisms “do it again and I will perform a live human autopsy on you” and “I will nail you to a wall with a lubed up horses cock”) you get the jist, it was continually how Bubbles must have felt when the lights when off and MJ told him they were going to play a game of chase…you were going to get screwed somehow.

So I’ve come to the reality this isn’t Mission Impossible, but it is Mission Difficult, but as in the MI movies where Ethan Hunt is pretty good at ripping his own face off and fair play getting the job done (mainly through threatening a night round David Miscavige‘s dungeon on everyone) I am pretty good at getting stuff done too. The Highly Sensitive Person handbook arrived today, and after I had gotten over the thud of the envelope as it hit the door mat I teared up to think about all the lessons that I will be learning. In all seriousness (if my flagrant sarcasm and self-deprecation hadn’t shone through like turd with glitter on it) I am seriously committed to find out what it has to say. Because and here are some difficult admissions for me, I do feel sometimes I am not as emotionally hardy as I want to be and that doesn’t mean hard as nails, but more resilient to the innocuous things and certain of my own emotional standing and view point. I am going to need to deal with the challenge I have to not extrapolate the very worst outcome and scenario. I know I do it so I don’t get hurt, but Nostradamus had literally nothing on me and it’s emotionally draining. I am going to need to find a way to deal with the underlying things which have ebbed away at my confidence levels and most importantly share what’s what with the most important person in my entire history and future.

So saving Thandie Newton from Chimera might have to wait for a minute because I am tackling Mission Difficult for a minute but feel I know a lot more about it and this isn’t just about giving up drinking, this is some underlying emotional and longer term change, because like Tom Cruise free climbing Everest in his pants or whatever he did I am determined to be on the up and I am clinging on to my why every single day.

I feel like the movie credits are coming up on today’s Mission and I want to say Happy Valentines day to the most amazing and beautiful supporting actress of all time.

Gx