25/02/19

14 Days sober

So it has been 14 days of sobriety and the usual meaning of I’m in clover means something slightly different to me than it ever has. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, that well vaunted Scrabble companion (does anyone actually play Scrabble any more!) “being in clover” means they are living a luxurious and comfortable life. In the truest sense of the word phrase the clover is ‘financial’ but I’ve come to redefine what riches are actually important.

14 days (and actually today is 15) is the longest I’ve gone in I can’t remember how long of not drinking. And whilst the party poppers and balloons absolutely need to stay down it is getting somewhat easier for me. But here in my opinion is where I have inherited untold and frankly unimaginable riches.

1. A presenteeism: that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I feel uniquely in the moment, but not just once or twice for the majority of the time. It’s interesting presenteeism is generally referring to people at work and how much productivity they absolutely smash out. I’m utilising some tools to really help focus my mind:

– @bulletjournal helps me plan and to organise my thoughts. I’m trying to make time for it daily and I’m excited to come to the end of the first month. It genuinely is helping me be more thoughtful and have less going on in my mind.

– @5amclub is a great book which I am powering through which is starting to harness my brain in to being organised and unlimited the walls that I’ve had around my mind in terms of what I am capable of.

– @simplehabit meditating once a day (Jesus Christ, someone bring me the woodbine and peace out brother) helps to quell any anxiety I have and to proactively try and be mindful. It’s not always easy and I’m not in a regular routine but it has definitely helped.

I’m not saying these tools are perfect but I’ve blogged before about how my internal compass struggles pointing me in the right direction and the truth is that these tools all help.

The biggest upside of my presenteeism is that I feel more bonded, more connected, like I’ve bought the best of my to my relationship. And that’s a beautiful thing because my beautiful better half deserves that, I knew we were in love deeply before but I centred balanced and wonderful. Things I had been numbing slightly with alcohol. It’s a great feeling to be present 100% rather than just 80%.

2. Less feelings of anxiety and panic: it’s a cycle isn’t it…you have a few beers too many and you wake up in the morning and can’t remember how much of an arse you were. And that’s just one thing that you are potentially anxious about. I have to recognise that somewhere there is still the effects of alcohol in my system. Still. It will probably be there for another week.

But the overwhelming truth is that I am anxious about 1 thing and that is what happens if I ever want a drink again. I won’t let it control me. I can’t. Can I ever have a drink again. What if I do and I can’t stop and I blow up like a small RPG? All these thoughts are running round my head. And I’ve come to 2 conclusions:

– concentrate on 1 major self improvement at one time. Gain mastery of this and then decide to move on.

– I’ll be ready to have a drink again (and that might be never) when I can trust myself and not have those thoughts of will I be out of control swirling round my head. It’s like that will be when I know I’m ready…but that is unique that is a perspective I’ve never had. New life riches.

3. A focus on all round wellness: now I’m not packing away the BrewDogs like a mentalist it’s time to get my body back in shape. That doesn’t mean I’ll be joining the 300 anytime soon just that I know that I sleep better. Feel better; more in control of any stress and anxiety when I am physically active. What is it they say “pain is weaknesses way out of the body!” Or something like that but I’m going to run 4 times a week, spin twice and gym 3 times. I’m going to do my upmost to outshine Mat Fraser (I wish) but I know it’s what I need to do to make sure that I stay absolutely in tune with my current self.

So I’ve have a newfound appreciation for my own personal wealth and I keep coming back to a quote from Teddy Roosevelt which I think is brilliant, all about putting yourself out there. To keep trying, to keep pushing ones self no matter what:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

So I say let the alcohol who in this case is the critic do it’s job elsewhere because I am busy embracing the change and getting better by learning.

Gx