18/02/19

The mind bender of pedalling through the cycle of life

So it’s officially been 8 days, the longest I have been sober in well, a bloody long time. Probably in the last 2 years. Believe it or not I haven’t always been a raving piss head alchy nob-chops, but this is the first occasion where I have really had the time to stop and realise the Dr Evil like genius that alcohol actually is. Think about some of the longest running businesses in the world, of the top 15 longest running businesses in the world, 30% of them are focused on the distribution of the stuff which hasn’t passed my lips for the last 8 days. Underneath it all, I think there is some global master plan akin to the SPECTRE operation in James Bond, an evil multi-national monopoly secretly controlling the life of the world’s inhabitants through the production of a good old German Brew. (On another note apparently in 900 AD Sean’s Bar was set up, you can’t be serious, as the Wikipedia page references, it was originally called Luain’s Inn and a couple of things grabbed me:

1. Who the fuck was called Sean in 900 AD – first red herring
2. It’s just like Trigger’s Broom. Just because the building has been standing a while doesn’t mean it’s the same thing!

Anyway, the point is this, booze has been around long before I rocked up and will be around long after I shuffle of this mortal coil (thankfully not of sclerosis!) but that also means the cycle of abusing it has probably been around for as long too. With any cycle there’s always a resultant cycle when you get out of the main destructive loop and I guess that’s where I am right now…so I thought I would look briefly at the cycle of the soul for today’s little ditty and start to relate back to where I am. In ‘spinning’ style take a look at the different ‘positions’ and how they impact on life, but not just the ordinary stuff, everyone knows that long term alcohol is a depressant:

Position 1 still drinking (sat back and not pedalling hard enough, on the lowest level of resistance): the effects of alcohol dependency have truly truly shocked me and shaped me, I’ve suffered from all of these things at points:

• When you are drinking to excess your brain struggles to process almost ANY positive reinforcement which you might receive. Conversely in male alcohol dependants alcohol significantly reduces your empathy levels, which is why you can’t pick up on emotions or the nuances of language and that can often result in misinterpreted actions / emotions. Studies on sober and pissed up nutters have shown the emotional part of the brain acts as if it feels criticised, as it swims in serotonin and glutamate. The result of this is that because alcohol has reduced your inhibition levels (particularly when you have binged) levels of aggression can be significantly higher and sparked by very little.
• You don’t recognise language patterns as both the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal cortex may be working together on how you feel about alcohol and what makes you drink. Essentially endorphins are released making you feel like a rock-star and dopamine is also being released making you feel like Michael Barrymore after a pool party. At some point one will win and unfortunately unless you stop drinking you won’t be striking it lucky as your amygdala hits the wall and that’s when the part of your personality which lay dormant ready to fight off that bear who was looking to steal your porridge kicks in and primitive fight or flight emotional responses kick in, probably making you a bit of a nob.
• And then the next day happens, and sadly some more effects kick in, alcohol dumbs down your temporal cortex making it harder to create memories. Which might mean you are a bit hazy about what an actual dick you were the night before. Similarly and this one blew my mind…getting smashed scientifically ends up being a game of Billions esq risk and reward. Literally don’t take the short Axe…studies show 2 things:

1. The more you drink, the dumber that your brain gets and the effects become chronic, ie you begin to to create an absolute disconnect to what it means to drink loads and be as big a bell-end as Chuck Rhoades with his book set taken away. To you, the risk is absolutely lowered. It’s like taking a massive punt that the dollar is going to go down, just because you’ve seen the colour green somewhere…it actually makes no sense to anyone on the outside, but to you it’s totes rationale, why wouldn’t you drink, you’re in control right and anyway 4 beers isn’t loads, is it??
2. In a study of Uni students who had a night on the Johnny Cash and had admitted that they had experienced 1 of 35 negative outcomes after drinking said that they thought that those outcomes were less likely to reoccur than all the people who had positive outcomes from drinking…It is literally risk and reward. The study is fascinating, and what I take from it, is that for you to admit that you fucked up more than Chris Darden with O.J Simpson’s glove you have to admit you are fallible and not perfect. Because to admit that you could inadvertently be behind the wheel of the Ford Bronco again “just because” means taking accountability for the trail of evidence you’ve behind you. But lightening doesn’t strike twice right??

So you’ve finally accept that you’ve left the trail of evidence behind and you are behind the wheel of the Bronco….you’ve accepted that you’ve been unacceptable. Hallelujah brothers and sister, but you are only looking at Elvis’ Land of Cotton from his American trilogy, a massive step, but if you think your mind, body and spirit are ‘in cotton’ then think again, because position 2 is coming…

Position 2 it’s still in my system (but my hands are firmly on the handles and I am getting in to my stride, upping the resistance): who knew that alcohol stays in your system from 8 days anywhere up to 3 weeks…3 weeks, that is crazy! But true. The list of side affects are a hypochondriac’s dream. Headaches, a foggy head, dodgy tummy, insomnia, depression and mood swings to name just a few of the good ones…

I am 8 days in and I’ve gone through all of them, from the shits to feeling shit. Saturday was a particular high / low point. I wanted to go out and the other half wanted to stay in. Which was actually exactly what I needed to do. Because Saturday night used to be one of those classics, get through the night with a few beers, a bottle of wine and a film. Sleep restlessly, think I was a hero and wake up tired and jaded. You can’t just go out and go to the cinema every time you fancy a Brew Dog. So it was right to stay in. And do you known what, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. I lay on the sofa with the woman I love in my arms, happy, connected and in the very beautiful moment. I talked about my desire for a glass of something and my better half listened and supported. I got through it and the craving went as soon as it came, I was genuinely happy but not a false chemical happiness, genuine gratitude for how lucky I am and I am holding on to that. I know I need to get in to position 3 though. Upright, sprinting hard, a firm grip on the bars, maximum resistance and as I get to 10% of the way through my own 90 day sobriety tomorrow my mind starts to think about 21 days in position 2 (the max 3 weeks for all alcohol to be out of my system) and then whats going to make the difference between position 2 and 3. Because it needs a step change.

I won’t ever sit down again though and assume position 1, I now know too much and know that the inevitable climb isn’t any easier in position 1, it’s too loose, brings out the worst in people and isn’t for me in the cycle of my soul.

So I said before this was about little goals. 1st goal, acheive 10% of my goal, that’s tomorrow. Then I’ve got 12 days to figure out more on what I am going to do to make sure position 3 is an automatic step up…so more of that tomorrow.

Gx